A month or so ago, I tried and failed to convince myself to go railfanning (see: Human). I tried again on November 16, still didn’t feel like it, went anyway. This is what happened.
It started with this view from my front yard.
“Wouldn’t that look great with a train?”
“You’ll enjoy it once you get there.”
These are things I told myself. I still didn’t feel like it.
However, this time, I made myself go. I threw the camera gear in our vehicle and hit the road, heading for Diamond on the west side of Winnipeg. CN can usually be relied upon to send a train every hour or so.
I parked near the curve at mile 16 (here) and waited. I was wondering to myself if I had made a mistake coming out. I still wasn’t feeling “it”.
After about 15-20 minutes, a westbound train came rolling out of Winnipeg.
As I hopped out of the vehicle to set up for the shot, the strangest thing happened.
I started crying.
I just felt so sad.
If this was a movie, the screen would split into three parts:
- Me as a photographer, considering angles, setting up the tripod, checking camera settings
- Me as a sad person, tears running down my cheeks
- Me as an observer, saying “WTF is happening to you?”
It was so strange – having all these thoughts running through my head at the same time. I was mechanically setting up for the photo and video, while I was feeling utterly defeated and sad, while I was wondering what the heck was going on.
Anyway, I got the shot, despite everything.
The train rolled on, dispassionate, cold steel thundering past while tears rolled down my face.
Now I was convinced that it was a mistake to come railfanning.
The end of the train rolled by, so I captured it rounding the bend by rote.
I was about to pack it in and head home, but I noticed an eastbound train in the distance.
What the heck, I was there already. Might as well.
CN 2824 led 3108 and 3837 with mixed freight behind them.
By this time, I wasn’t crying, but I was still pretty sad.
I just wanted to go home.
One of the things I really hate about my depression is how it has sucked the fun out of my favourite hobby.
I used to love going trackside. I’d seize any opportunity to see some trains.
Nowadays, I rarely feel the urge.
Don’t get me wrong – I still do like to see trains – but sometimes I really, really don’t want to. That’s new.
I talked about this three years ago – see Seasons of Interest – about moving on in the hobby. I guess I haven’t fully accepted that yet.
I’m not posting this for any sympathy, but to help raise awareness about mental health, especially for men. We don’t talk about this enough. It’s ok to not be ok – but it’s frustrating.
I railfanned a lot more when I was lonely. These days I don’t go out hardly at all. Funny all the thoughts and feelings one has while waiting for a train.
Lovely photos, as usual.
Take good care my friend.
Eric
Thank you, Eric.
Your openness is appreciated and relevant for many of us. Whatever path you follow I hope it provides that clarity in life that is needed. After following your postings for years, please know you have many that thank you and care.
Grant
Thank you, Grant.
I have been there! Several times…
I am not sure what all causes it, to be honest. There are times I want to get out trackside, and then several things come up, and then the plans are pushed off. Then the “urge” to go out isn’t as strong. When I do go out, then there is sometimes pressure to find some trains, and then try to photograph/film, or whatever, so it looks like I was able to get something accomplished… Then the rush to get them edited to share online, but then the chance I make a mistake somewhere on a caption or what, the armchair critics come out to speak their disdain…
I have done trips out where I have taken some photos, but never bothered posting them online. On other trips, I didn’t see ONE train, or if I did, I was always in the wrong spot, or the timing was off. Or sometimes having equipment issues, which is frustrating as well..
Sometimes I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to try to outdo other photographers or to somehow show the world we are worthy.
I have gone out with a close friend, and we have had long talks about issues, which has helped a bit. I encourage people to have a close friend to talk to or vent to… it does wonders, well, at least for myself, it has helped.
But yes, the times I’ve stood trackside crying or feeling like garbage have been more times than I want to admit. Sometimes the personal/work stuff just gets in the way, and it just has to come out.
I have started opening up more on FB about my mental health struggles, but that can lead to opinions from uninformed people, unfortunately.
Take care as always!
Hi Jason. Oh, the armchair critics.. I’ve found the best thing is to not be too specific in photo captions, because someone will come along and pick it apart (“actually, …”), especially people who never post photos but exist to nitpick those who do. Not naming names. 😉
Thanks for talking about your struggles. We all think we are alone in our struggles, but it’s more common than anyone knows. This helps me and I imagine others.
The imagined competition is real, for sure. I suffer from it from time to time. What I tell my kids is, there will always be someone out there better at something than you are. Always. But you’re the best at being you.
I’m glad to call you friend.
Absolutely great site Steve, from another misfit railfan / shipfan / planefan