A month or so ago, I tried and failed to convince myself to go railfanning (see: Human). I tried again on November 16, still didn’t feel like it, went anyway. This is what happened.
It started with this view from my front yard.
“Wouldn’t that look great with a train?”
“You’ll enjoy it once you get there.”
These are things I told myself. I still didn’t feel like it.
However, this time, I made myself go. I threw the camera gear in our vehicle and hit the road, heading for Diamond on the west side of Winnipeg. CN can usually be relied upon to send a train every hour or so.
I parked near the curve at mile 16 (here) and waited. I was wondering to myself if I had made a mistake coming out. I still wasn’t feeling “it”.
After about 15-20 minutes, a westbound train came rolling out of Winnipeg.
As I hopped out of the vehicle to set up for the shot, the strangest thing happened.
I started crying.
I just felt so sad.
If this was a movie, the screen would split into three parts:
- Me as a photographer, considering angles, setting up the tripod, checking camera settings
- Me as a sad person, tears running down my cheeks
- Me as an observer, saying “WTF is happening to you?”
It was so strange – having all these thoughts running through my head at the same time. I was mechanically setting up for the photo and video, while I was feeling utterly defeated and sad, while I was wondering what the heck was going on.
Anyway, I got the shot, despite everything.
The train rolled on, dispassionate, cold steel thundering past while tears rolled down my face.
Now I was convinced that it was a mistake to come railfanning.
The end of the train rolled by, so I captured it rounding the bend by rote.
I was about to pack it in and head home, but I noticed an eastbound train in the distance.
What the heck, I was there already. Might as well.
CN 2824 led 3108 and 3837 with mixed freight behind them.
By this time, I wasn’t crying, but I was still pretty sad.
I just wanted to go home.
One of the things I really hate about my depression is how it has sucked the fun out of my favourite hobby.
I used to love going trackside. I’d seize any opportunity to see some trains.
Nowadays, I rarely feel the urge.
Don’t get me wrong – I still do like to see trains – but sometimes I really, really don’t want to. That’s new.
I talked about this three years ago – see Seasons of Interest – about moving on in the hobby. I guess I haven’t fully accepted that yet.
I’m not posting this for any sympathy, but to help raise awareness about mental health, especially for men. We don’t talk about this enough. It’s ok to not be ok – but it’s frustrating.
I railfanned a lot more when I was lonely. These days I don’t go out hardly at all. Funny all the thoughts and feelings one has while waiting for a train.
Lovely photos, as usual.
Take good care my friend.
Eric
Thank you, Eric.
Your openness is appreciated and relevant for many of us. Whatever path you follow I hope it provides that clarity in life that is needed. After following your postings for years, please know you have many that thank you and care.
Grant
Thank you, Grant.